It’s Been a Year Really??

I can’t believe it’s been a year, a year that I was naïve to think a girl that was crying and upset in the bathroom that I extended my compassion to would want to be friends. Instead a year ago this month she decided to have other plots, her along with my ex husband decided that my feelings no longer mattered, that I was no longer important, started having an affair, leaving me heartbroken and confused. I year later I have finally figured out how to live. I tried so hard to love a man that never wanted me and for what? He decided that I was not worth his love. He told me that he had still a “good fight” for us, that he still wanted me back; instead that was all lies, all from a coward. He never had a good fight for me for us. Instead he used that to just keep me on the sideline while he went home to his mistress every night, to a girl that has no morals, who posted how much she loved married men, who never took responsibility for anything in her life, and always played the victim card. How can you play victim when you are the mistress and going out on dates with a married man, demanding that mans attention every second, texting and calling at 2 am, when the husband is a asleep on the couch and sending texts to someone you met a handful of times that you “miss them”, how can you be the victim? Simply put you can’t, because that person is nothing more than a tramp who doesn’t even know what a real relationship is about, she believes that she can come in totally replace the wife and everything is OK, that everything should be given to her on a silver platter. Now it might sounds like I’m still bitter and I am to a point, mostly because I feel like a fool when I think about him and her. Kicking myself in the ass for not walking away sooner, for all the countless nights of screaming at him to stop his behavior, all that went on deaf ears, I should have just taken his belongings and thrown them alongside the curb and then kicked him out as well. What I should have done was screamed at her, and tried harder to go after her. But instead I just ignored her, and tried to explain my feelings to my ex, thinking he would actually care, hoping he loved me, I stuck by his side and allowed this abuse to continue, allowing both of them to destroy any and all self esteem that I had. I gave him everything that I had in hopes to building a future, a family with him for him to turn around and show me that I wasn’t worth it, hurts.
If anyone saw me a year ago could see the pain on my face, could see how drained I was, I was withdrawn hoping it was all a bad dream. I even as last resort reached out to his parents, hoping they could help, I explained everything to them, telling them this girl was a problem. I even explained to them about the dates that cost between 200-300 dollars, how he used my credit card to reserve items to escort this girl around. Both of his parents were so angry towards this girl they hoped they never are in the same room with her. They were so disappointed with their son. Funny how then they seemed to actually care, and now I see it was all an act. How quickly they accepted her, and I was discarded just as quick. They were even planning vacations including this girl before I even filed paperwork to end it with their son.
Finally came the day that my marriage was over, though I never wanted it to come to this. In fact what most don’t know is that I called it off several times, though my ex proved time after time he was never going to end it with his mistress, so I continued with the process. I even hoped after it was over, he would come back to me and love me. But I received my wakeup call, in May my ex texted me. Telling me that I was the “one”, that he still loved me and missed me, how he couldn’t live without me, and how I had to give him a little time and he would cure the problem and remove the mistress from his life, and how he still had this good fight for us left in him, how he knew he made a mistake and realizes that what he did with this woman was all but a big mistake, and that he wanted me to understand that. All the things that someone would want to hear that I hoped to hear made me crumble yet again, and who wouldn’t when you were with someone for a decade? He was always good at that, he somehow knew when I was making progress in moving on with my life, to come back and say just the right things to make me hope once again I was the one. Of course this time the mistress found out, that her boyfriend wanted his wife back, decided to threaten me, then receiving a 4 am phone call from my ex telling me that he meant everything that he said and that the “problem” would be taken care of. But by the time my ex and I met on Tuesday him and his mistress kissed and made up, and he back peddled everything that he said previously, though still telling me to give him time and we would be once again back together. I just sat and cried… I knew he was lying once again. I was once again second.
Before him texting me, I was doing very well, I was having fun, getting out doing things, dating people, and every time I would hear from my ex all that would crumble away, all because I hoped he was telling the truth finally and coming back home. But it never happened. It was all lies, and I was just the puppet that he liked to toy with. So after the situation that occurred in May, and the threats that his mistress decided to send me, I stood up for myself and took charge of my life, I contacted my local police and I filed a police report against her for harassment, explained to the police that 1 more contact from her; I would file stalking charges, and place a PPO on her, causing her dreams of being a police officer to go up in flames. I then decided to not contact his parents any longer because obviously they didn’t want a relationship with me in the first place, and then with him, to ignore him and move on, he was just not worth it. I was always torn between what my head was saying and what my heart was saying. My heart was so shattered it would have forgave my ex in a heartbeat, it wanted so badly for the past to be the reality it would have done anything. But my head is more logical, and put it simply - this man showed you time after time with his actions you meant nothing compared to her; why would you want to be second when you could mean so much more to someone else, who would love, respect you for you. It simply cannot go back to what it used to be…
And so a year later, not only has my life gone through a change, but I’ve changed… I smile now; I have that “sparkle” back in my eyes. I have become involved in my community and have started working on my crafts again. I have goals again. I decided to take back my life, to accept what happened and to learn from that. It taught me to surround myself with people that care for me, and then to break away from the people that don’t. This lesson showed me that my family is very important and they will stand up for me and be there when I need them the most. It brought me closer to them. I also accepted the fact that life must go on, that I must move forward.
Which is exactly what I did, the period of time that my ex was toying with my emotions, basically which was all this year up until May, I was going on a lot of first dates with men which I quickly realized the loser pool was much bigger than the winner pond. I was approached by my cousins’ wife to come and meet this gentleman. First impressions weren’t the best, but there was something there, he peeked my curiosity. Slowly he seemed to gain my trust. This man was always there for me, he knew what I was going through, and never pushed me “to get over it quickly”; he listened to me and became a good friend to me. I was not ready for a relationship, in fact I avoided people if I felt they were getting to close to me, I never wanted to open myself up to getting hurt again So I told my new friend no many times that a relationship was out of the question, and he was fine with that which earned my respect. About mid April I started feeling something more than friendship towards him, and I knew I was in trouble; I started to get jealous over the female friends that were hanging around him. I still didn’t want to admit to him or to myself that I liked him more than a friend yet. Then about mid May I couldn’t sit back any longer and I talked to him about the way that I was feeling it was about the end of May that it was official that we were indeed a couple and it seemed like the entire small town already knew.
Now October is almost upon us and we have decided to take our relationship to the next level and we have started living with each other while also in discussion regarding future plans in marriage/family. I think back a year ago to now, and wow what a difference. I’m with a man that treats me with respect, wants to do things with me, and most importantly wants to be around me, enjoys my company. We share many hobbies together, like we both love to cook, garden, and just sit around and be lazy on the patio. He intrigues me. We have so much in common for example we both love the great outdoors, though I’m a little rust at the whole camping thing. I haven’t camped in 15 years. He is going to teach me how to bird hunt and pike fish which I am excited, even though I did try to pull the girly girl card out and tell him I didn’t know how to bait my own hook, I was later rated out by my cousin that I know how to do so, darn it that I grew up as a tomboy with three boy cousins that would lose me in the corn field. Soon we will be going up north for a week long camping trip to see all the places that I have always wanted to see, like pictured rock, the falls, whitefish point, etc. Just to be outside, next to someone that I deeply care about and love makes it so special to me. I am happy I took the risk to love again and let someone love me again, and not shy away from it. He means the world to me, and without the lessons that I learned over this past year, I would have probably never met him, so for that I feel so blessed. His saying is so true “a man only has his word, and if his word is shit, than so is that man”.